HORSES HEALING HEARTS MAKING A DIFFERENCE
This is a true story.
The names of the participants have been changed for reasons of confidentiality
Their lives have been filled with strife and tension. Two young girls, ages 9 and 11 deserve, as all children do, to feel safe. Their days should chime with laughter and be free of worry. It has been quite the opposite for Kris and her sister, Megan.
Their father, who suffered from alcoholism, committed suicide in January of 2010. Although the life they had with him was riddled with violence and previous attempts at suicide, he was, of course, still their Dad. They experienced a sincere sense of sadness and loss with many unanswered questions that children of addiction develop. The sisters found solace and strength in each other.
The more secure aspect of family life came from their mother, Jessica. Her sense of responsibility to the girls prevailed. She provided the financial support. Established in a job, Jessica understood that maintaining employment was a priority for the security of her daughters. With the death of her husband, she felt emotionally overwhelmed, and chose to move the family into the home of a male friend. This might not have been the best choice, but Jessica’s personality was one of co-dependency. Those features dominated her decision-making process.
Suffice to say, Kris and Megan experienced a difficult adjustment. Their mother’s relationship with this man, Nick, became more than platonic. Understandably, the girls were still grieving the loss of their father, and were not emotionally prepared to accept Nick encroaching on the dynamics of the family relationships.
One evening within nine months in this new living situation, Nick and Jessica became embattled in an argument whereby Nick became assaultive. His hands were around her neck, as he lifted Jessica from the floor and pinned her against the wall. The girls were in their pajamas ready for bed. Upon witnessing this trauma, they bravely bounded into action. Kris and Megan were smart, and fast. They raced across the street to their grandmother’s house, where an emergency 911 call was made.
Nick had absconded to parts unknown by the time the paramedics arrived. Jessica was taken to the hospital for treatment, and the girls stayed with their grandmother that night. Maintaining a regard for the girls safety, their grandmother decided to quickly accompany them back to the empty house before settling the girls down. She advised them,” Girls, you have 10 minutes to gather what’s most important to you. You’ll probably never be back here again.” The girls realized they needed to make some meaningful decisions quickly.
Once Jessica was discharged from the hospital, the family moved in temporarily with her brother. She fully understood how crucial it was to keep her personal life from interfering with her job. Her employment was the family’s lifeline. At this juncture, the girls were a 30 minute drive from school. Jessica would be their only transportation which was stressful for all concerned. Nick resurfaced and escalated in threatening the safety of the entire family. These were, indeed, difficult times.
Now, this is where Horses Healing Hearts USA comes in. On a day when the girls were out of school, it seemed like a good opportunity to offer them some respite from all the chaos. Getting them to a sponsor barn for a ride would surely raise their spirits. At this point in time, their mother had no idea if they even had clean clothes, toothbrushes, or for that matter, riding gear. The alternative plan would be doing a quick clothes shop at K-Mart, if necessary, and going to see the movie, Secretariat. Jessica was in agreement that an outing was a fine idea.
As I pulled up to the house, there stood these two beautiful girls. To my shock and surprise they were all decked out in their complete equestrian outfits with their hair pulled back looking eager to ride. Lots of questions came into my mind. How was it the girls had their riding clothes? Did they go back to the house after that night? Of course, the questions were asked and answered.
This, my friends is the best part. Their response, “Our grandma told us to grab what we could put in our arms and what was most important to us. Our riding clothes and boots were the first things we grabbed.” In the short 10 minutes back at that house when they had to choose meaningful items, the girls seized their riding clothes; not just some items, the complete outfits. There I sat, a bit stunned, eyes welling up and totally speechless. Then I enveloped the girls in big hugs, gave them a beaming smile, and we then ventured forth to enjoy ourselves.
As this story is being prepared for publication, there is an update to the aforementioned events. Nick eventually committed murder/suicide. He violently beat his current girlfriend to death with a baseball bat and then hung himself. This comes within the last 9 months of the dilemma with Kris and Megan. The purpose of mentioning the culmination of events is to bring home the very serious nature of our mission at HHH.
Liz Olszewski Comments:
“It is extremely humbling to be part of the work that touches the lives of these children. We get to see their spirits restored, and their lives transfer into better experiences. Those experiences eventually become joyful memories. It is truly the relationship between the horses and the kids that accomplishes most of the work. As volunteers, our objectives include keeping them physically safe, serving as mentors, nurturing their feelings of being loved, and that we at HHH are here for them. It is the genuine hope of Horses Healing Hearts that the positive changes in our young people will in turn have a healthy impact on their parents or legal guardians.” KAYLA'S STORY The names of the participants have been changed for reasons of confidentiality She appears to have stepped right out of a Margaret Keane painting being a slender reed of a girl with huge, soulful brown eyes. She expresses herself using a wonderful vocabulary and wisdom that far exceeds a mere 9 years. Kayla represents herself well. We are sitting together with her mother, Michele, meeting for the first time. I have the privilege of sharing her personal story as it relates to Horses Healing Hearts, USA. Kayla has survived a substance addicted father, with whom she has not had contact for quite a while. He is currently in jail for multiple counts of theft, related to drug and alcohol abuse. These crimes were compounded by a violation of probation. When Kayla speaks about her memories of him, they are riddled with angry, violent actions. She talks about witnessing him kicking her dog, banging doors, and banging walls. Her eyes fill with tears as she shares a story about her caged ferret being attacked by a neighbor’s dog. Her recall and imagery consists of seeing the animal bleeding profusely, fearing her pet will die, with little empathy or help from her father. When the last resort was to take the animal into a pet store, her father chose to steal an exotic frog while the manager was helping Kayla and her mother. As often occurs in children who suffer recurring trauma, Kayla proudly admits to having developed a protective hypervigilance around her father. She has acquired acute observational skills to determine the ‘safety level’ of his moods. In doing so, she is able to anticipate his actions and attempts to be emotionally prepared. She also acknowledges feeling responsible for his poor conduct. Her belief is that she missed knowing the right thing to do to help her father; that there must have been something she could have done to create change. It is not uncommon for children to take on the burden of adult responsibility when there is parental turmoil. Kayla’s mother has worked hard to provide her with as much stability as possible. She divorced her husband after 8 years of marriage, the last two being untenable. Instead of remaining in their house, Kayla and her mother moved in with Michele’s parents. Michele indicates that she had a positive home life growing up, and the behaviors experienced during her marriage were alien to her. She works full-time as a Medical Assistant in a Women’s Care Center, and Kayla is her only child. During our conversation, her love and concern for Kayla was palpable. At times the tears would well up in her eyes when Kayla would speak. Asked if she could put thoughts to her tears, Michele would say it was so important to know that Kayla was going to be all right. She just “wants her to be all right.” Michele mentioned that Kayla had been in traditional counseling, but it seemed ineffective. Kayla expressed feeling uncomfortable sharing her family circumstances at the school guidance office, as she did not want her family to be “judged.” My ears hear the word, “judged,” verbalized by this very impressive nine year old, and suddenly it is like conversing with a young girl who has an old soul. The thoughts and the words are coming straight from Kayla as she details her experience with a certain maturity that feels a little seismic. She is protective of her family. As we speak, she watches her mother’s facial expressions, and it is clear that her powers of observation will always act as a personal sensor to the emotions of those around her. The most fortuitous act that Kayla’s father did was bringing home a brochure from Horses Healing Hearts that he saw in a store. He acted interested in connecting Kayla with HHH, but continuously fabricated excuses about not being able to make contact. It was Michele who followed through on contacting Liz. She was able to reach Liz on her first phone call. Their conversation had a very positive impact on Michele. There were not only youngsters at HHH going through similar incidents as Kayla, but the Founder of HHH had actually lived through such events during her own childhood. At HHH, Kayla feels a unique bond with her peers. It is an unspoken understanding with an added dimension that cannot be found elsewhere. Her work with the horses and in the group activities has, in her own words, made a difference. Kayla and Michele now have a strong support system that includes family life and Horses Healing Hearts, USA. Michele can not only feel a sense of accomplishment in having established a secure environment for the two of them, but can also feel the additional support provided by HHH. Comment from Liz O. Unfortunately, Kayla’s father has chosen to remain unavailable for contact with her, and although incarcerated, has not made any effort to communicate. We teach HHH participants that they cannot control what people in their lives do; their parents or anyone else for that matter. The only thing they can control is their own thoughts and actions; but by owning and controlling these two things they can control/design/impact their lives for the present and the future. It’s not about what you’re given in life, it’s what you do with what you’re given in life. The support from the team members of HHH gladly partner with the healthy family members in Kayla’s life in assisting her over these hurdles. There is no doubt that she is a shining star who will light up her path with extraordinary sensitivity, intelligence and positive energy.
This is a true story.
By-line: Ellen Kreshover, LCSW-volunteer
